Clipboards Never Lie This is number 3 read 2
by caitgraz
Summary: the 3rd story of But Not Before He Tripped very funny. PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW.Its Presies day.Snapethongs. Good stuff. this is a hoax but i soooo luv harry potter


Clipboards Never Lie

A Short story

This is the 3rd story

Get it?

Got it?

Good

Hogsmade

"Excuse me. Pardon me," said Hermione Granger. It was a much crowed day at Hogsmade. There were witches and wizards every where shopping for the up coming holiday.

"I can't wait for Presies day!" shouted Ron Weasley, trying to manage his way through the crowd. 'Presies day' was a day where witches and wizards give presents to those they love. It only comes around every 8.9008 years. "This is your first Presies day, right Harry?" Harry nodded.

"Yes Ron, in the Muggle world we only receive presents on Christmas, our birthday and several other occasions." Harry smiled. He loved pretending to be smart. He knew Ron was very confused. He knew because when ever Ron was confused, he would nod to the right and drool a bit.

"Oh. Okay." said Ron. Ron looked at Hermione. She was very flustered. She hated crowds. Out of no where, a little boy in nothing but a potato sack bumped into Hermione.

"Oh. No." said Harry, knowing what was coming. Hermione glared at the little boy.

"I'm sorry miss," said the little boy. "I'm Pip. From Great Expatiations, you might recall me. I'm sorry. I have no idea where I am. I don't exist you know. I am just a figment of the fool Charles Dickens imagination. Sorry I ran into you." Hermione smiled.

"Why hello Pip." Pip smiled. "You know Pip, I am not sure if you noticed, but it is very crowed today. Do you know why?" Pip smiled uneasily

"Umm. No?"

"Well… IT IS BECAUSE OF PIECES OF LIKE YOU TAKING UP ALL OF THE ROOM IN THIS STREET!" Pip looked at Harry for help.

"Sorry kid nothing I can do. She is very _moody_ at the moment If you know what I mean wink wink" Pip smiled

"Ahh yes. Dickens never mentioned it, but that is why Mrs. Joe was always in a bad mood." Harry and Ron punched each other. Unfortunately, Harry pushed Ronald a bit too hard so he went flying in to a fountain. Harry shrugged it off. Pip ran away.

"Stupid kid. Can't even see where he is going." said Hermione. Harry just stood there.

"Oh and by the way Harry, you do not _actually_ say 'wink wink'. You sound like a wanker saying that." Harry noticed Ron struggling in the fountain. Although it was only 2 feet deep, Ron could not get out.

"_Help! Help"_ screamed Ron. Harry ignored him

"Hermione sit down." Hermione sat down on a bench.

"Hermione," continued Harry, "You need to control you anger. I know it is crowded but you need to have control. If you need help, I know this girl Reb-"

"No Harry" interrupted Hermione. "I am fine. I am calm, cool and collected." Hermione stood up. Suddenly Ron came _barreling_ over.

'Oie! Oie! Harry! Did you not see me in the fountain I was drowning! I-" Ron stepped on Hermione's foot. Hermione's eyes filled with fire.

"Oh. My. God." said Harry. No one knew Ron's fate.

Later that day

Hermione felt much better. Ron had a black and blue eye. Harry was perfect as usual.

"Here we are," said Harry "Sox Mart. The _only_ store that _only_ sells socks." The three friends looked around.

"Ohh" said Ron pointing to a pair of blue socks, "Do you think these socks match my eye?"

"No," said Harry "You are more of a winter. You need dark browns and reds" Ron just stared at Harry.

"Harry, stop acting so…girly."

"BUT WHY!" shouted Hermione who was at the front counter.

"Oh no"

"Not again" said Ron. Ron put his hands over his eyes. Harry put his below his waist. Ron looked at him doing that.

"Why?" said Ron.

"For protection" said Harry." Better my eyes than-"

"Yes I get it" said Ron. "Good idea." Ron did the same.

"BUT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND! I NEED THIS DONE!" Harry walked over to the counter where Hermione was standing, yelling at the poor sales clerk.

"Hermione dear, what _is_ the problem?" Hermione sighed.

"I want to put my picture on a pair of socks to give to people. That way they will never forget who is the hottest." Harry looked at the man's name tag.

"Kelidgds," said Harry to the clerk who looked very scared. "Why can this not be done?'

"Because we only sell what is in stock. We make no special orders. Store policy." Harry lifted his hair and showed the man his scar.

"Sir, do you know who I am?" the man stared at him. His eyes widened."

"Killbob. My long lost brother? Is that you?" Harry tilted his head to the side.

"Nooooo. I am Harry Potter. And this," said Harry pointing to his scar, "Is famous."

Kelidgds laughed. "Boy you want to see a scar. Look at this"

"Harry" said Ron just walking over, "Is this shade right because-"Ron caught a glimpse of the man's scar. "I chee wawa" then he fainted.

The dormitories

"Ohhhh" groaned Ron. The three dragged Ron on a leash when he was knocked out all the way to the dormitories.

"Shut up," said Hermione "You only had a concussion. You will live." Ron shut up.

"Where is Harry? He was supposed to get me some V7 Puddle." Harry ran in the door.

"Here Ron. I had to ruff up the house elves a bit, but here you are." Ron reached out for the class. Harry was a least 4 feet away.

"Ron, take it. I won't hold it forever." Ron struggled to reach for his drink.

"Would you mind handing it to me? I can't reach." Harry sighed. He was always doing things for Ron. First Ron asked him to pass the pumpkin juice, then he asked Harry (who was pronounced quill boy in Charms class) to pass him a quill. At dinner last night, Ron asked Harry to pass him the turkey legs. Then in Hogsmade when Ron was drowning (again) he asked Harry to save him. It was all the _little_ things Ron asked Harry to do that made him more and more annoyed with Ron.

"FINE! Here is your bloody V7 Puddle. Geez." Ron stared at Harry.

"Harry. Did I do something wrong?" Harry clenched his fists.

"I. Need. A. Complementary. Punching. Bag. Now." Hermione always had one on hand. She quickly handed it to Harry. Five minutes later, the complementary punching bag was in shreds. Harry was now calm. Ron was just staring at Harry. Then he fell asleep.

"Okay." said Hermione "Anyway, we have Potions tomorrow and-"

"NO!" shouted Harry.

"What is it? What's wrong!" said Hermione in a worried tone.

"Oh nothing" said Harry looking down on his lap. "I forgot to do my project." Hermione scowled.  
"Harry how _can_ you be so dim. I told you to do that project weeks ago! Creating a 'Ronque' potion takes at least 3 days! You don't have a chance in the world to finish that project! Professor Snape is going to kill you!" Harry shuddered. Hermione was right. When a young witch, Julie Freeman, did not do her Potions homework because her aunt died, Snape made her scrub the whole Potions room with a piece of paper and a penny.

"Harry. You're in for it now. Snape hates you enough as it is. With no homework. Well. You're a dead man.

"YOR"RE RIGHT HERMIONE!" shouted Harry in a dramatic tone. Harry ran to his trunk. He quickly slipped on his goggles for dramatic effect.

"Oh Hermione! What for art thouth to do ith! I am going ith to be ith a dead ith man ith! Ith Ith Ith" Hermione stared at Harry. Hermione stood up and walked to the door. She opened it and said one more thing to Harry.

'Do not forget to wrap the presents you got for everyone for Presies day okay?" Harry was still kneeling on the ground. He nodded his head. Hermione slammed the door. Ron started making noises.

"Oh yeah Lavender. Come on Hermione. Get filthy in the mud." Harry rolled his eyes. He walked over to Ron and smacked him on the face. When that did not work, Harry took a pillow and carefully placed it on Ron's mouth. There was silence.

"Perfect" said Harry.

Next morning

"Happy Presies day everyone!" shouted a cheerful Hermione Granger. All of the boys in the dormitories woke up. When they saw Hermione (in her see-through night dress) the all flexed. Well they tried. Neville just sagged and Ron just had flab. Hermione ignored them.

"Ron, Harry, Get up! Its Presies day!" Harry got out of bed. Hermione stood wide-eyed.

"So sorry." Said Harry, wrapping a robe around himself. "I like a breeze"

Hermione nodded her head.

"Okay" Harry smiled. The other boys exited the room except for Ron."

"Ron get up! Its Presies day!" Ron made no movement.

"RON!" Hermione shouted so loudly that a crack in the window appeared.

"Wha- What?" said Ron in a dazed voice. Ron rolled over and fell off his bed.

"Okay. I'm up." Ron said in a hurried voice. Hermione sighed

"Finally, I have been waiting _forever_."

"Sorry princess." said Ron in a gay voice.

"Great ladies," said Harry "Now that everyone is up lets open presies."

"YAYYYY" said Ron. Ron jumped up and down and started flapping his arms everywhere.

"Excuse me chaps… and _beauties_" said Neville, eyeing Hermione devilishly, to Hermione. "Have you seen a big, purple-EUGH!" Ron's (who's flapping was out of control) arms hit Neville on the head with such force, that Neville passed out. The three friends started at him.

"I have a plan." said Hermione in a calm voice, "But I'll need some help." Hermione grabbed Neville by the hair and Harry and Ron each grabbed an arm.

"One. Two. Three-HEAVE!" The three pals stuffed Neville in to a closet.

"Perfect" said Hermione. "Let's continue with the presents. No one will miss Neville downstairs." Harry and Ron nodded like two nodding things on a Wednesday afternoon taking a stroll on the pie shop. Hermione started to unwrap a present with gold wrapping paper.

"It from your mum Ron." Ron did some more nodding. Hermione opened the present, only to find a ball of bubble wrap.

"Maybe it is inside the bubble wrap." suggested Harry. Hermione unwrapped the 1st layer of bubble wrap, only to find a second layer.

"Hum." she said. Hermione unwrapped a third, fourth, and fifth layer.

"By god. The woman has gone mad with bubble wrap!" Hermione started on the sixth layer.

"I'll start on mine." said Harry. Harry opened a box. Hermione stared at the box that was so easily opened, with jealousy. Inside the box were three chocolate frogs, a maroon sweater that red "Harry-The Boy Who Lived and the best son a mother could _ever_ have."

"Wow." said Ron. But there was more. There was also everlasting lolly pops, pumpkin percys, lickerish wands, and a huge chocolate, shaped like Harry's face.

"Wow." said Ron. "If that is what Mum got you, I can only imagine what she got me. " Ron looked around the room. "Where is my present anyway?" Hermione shrugged. She was now on her tenth layer. Harry picked up a brown bag. _To Ren_ it read.

"Ummm" said Harry "I think this is for you Ron." Ron looked at the bag.

"Who is _Ren?_" asked Ron

"I think your mum spelt you're name wrong." Ron frowned.

"Oh well, let me see what's inside." Ron quickly tarred open the bag, only to find a half eaten chocolate frog and a sweater that read _Ren_. Ron stood stock still. Harry backed away. The only sound was Hermione, working on her twelfth layer.

"R-Ron" stuttered Harry. "I am sure it was only a mistake. I-"Harry was cut of by Ron staring at him with such hate, that Harry could no longer speak. It was silent (except for Hermione working on her sixteenth layer) for about a minute. A sudden yelp from Hermione was what broke the silence. Ron and Harry turned to see that Hermione finally unwrapped her present. Ron blinked very slowly.

"Well," said Ron. "Come on, what did you get?" Hermione held up a book that was titled _How to seduce a famous boy with a scar and not a boy with red hair. _Ron shook his head.

"Thanks mum." Ron said out loud.

"Here is something else!" said Hermione. Ron rolled his eyes. "It's a note. It says: _Dear Hermione. I hope you enjoy your new book. I know you enjoy a challenge so I made the gift hard to open so you appreciate it more. Love, Mrs. Weasley._ Harry shook his head.

"I wonder what she means by that book Hermione." Asked Harry. Hermione shrugged her shoulders. Ron put on his sweater that read "Ren".

"Well, how does it look?" The sweater looked dreadful. The sleeves were too short and the neckline was low cut. The back of the sweater was very long, while the front was short. Harry looked at Hermione.

"It looks…unique" said Harry. Ron frowned. Hermione interfered.

"No Ron you look very…sexy."

"Really?" asked Ron.

"Most defiantly." said Hermione. "Oh. I almost forgot. Here are your presents. Ron grabbed his and tarred it open. It was an eye patch." He stared at Hermione as if asking 'Why'. Hermione sighed.

"It to make you look cool Ronald." said Hermione in a tired voice. Ron smiled and quickly put it on. Harry opened his present. It was a tee shirt.

"Wow Hermione! It's really cool!" Hermione laughed.

"Harry, read the back!" The back of the tee-shirt read _Bite me. _

Harry laughed. "Thanks a billion Hermione. Here is your present." Ron handed her a box also. She was about to open it when Harry stopped her.

"Hermione, you might want to open those in the _ladies_ room. I think you'll need the next month." Ron nodded. Hermione stared at them.

"Thank you?" Harry and Ron beamed.

"Okay Ron, here is your present." said Harry. Ron opened the box. It was a pair of socks from Sox Mart. "I got them especially for your _shade._" Ron nodded.

"Thank you Harry. Here is your gift." Harry blushed.

"Oh Ron, you didn't have too. " Ron shoved him a big box. "Okay GIVE IT TO ME!" Ron quickly handed him a box. It was a bag of tampons.

"Ron, is this Hermione's gift?" Ron shook his head. "No. They are for you. Remember? You get ear bleeds? You told me-"

"Yes I remember." Harry really forgot. He told Ron he had ear bleeds to cover up what he _really_ did with them. Hermione sighed.  
"Well, better be off. We have Potions today. Tata." Ron put his sweater and eye patch on.

"Do I really look hot?" Harry stared at Ron.

"Yes Ron. Yes you do."

Next Day in corridor/Potions Room 

"Good job Hermione," whispered Harry. The three friends were walking to Potions class. Ron was behind them, showing off his eye patch to a group of first years. "Now Ron think he is 'sexy' and won't stop complimenting himself. This morning, I heard Ron in the bathroom going 'You sexy thang' over and over again!" Hermione looked down.

"I'm sorry Harry. I just wanted to boost his confidence.' Harry rolled his eyes and sighed 10 times.

"HARRY STOP SIGHING!" screamed Hermione. "Geeze." she sighed. A sudden stomping broke the sighing.

"Oie! Oie!" shouted Ron. "Wait up!" Hermione and Harry kept walking. Ron finally caught up. "Girls are so checking me out in my cool eye patch and sweater." said Ron.

"You two, first years, GET ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE HALL!" shouted Ron's older brother, Percy. Percy stopped in front of the trio. He did not smile.

"And where are _you_ three going," he asked "Ron did not _trip_ again did he?" Ron frowned.

"HEY THAT WAS JUST AN OFF DAY!" shouted Ron. Percy frowned.

"No shouting in the hallways, one demerit." Ron grumbled. "And no grumbling." scolded Percy. "Another demerit." Percy looked at Ron's eye patch. "Why are you wearing an eye patch?' Ron smiled.

"It makes me look sexy." A grin crept across Percy's face.

"And why does your sweater say 'Ren'?" Ron frowned.

"Mum spelt it wrong but-"Percy was laughing. He started pulling at his sweater.

"Mum knit me a sweater too. But hey…look at this she spelt _Percy_ correctly. Fancy that." Ron started to whimper. Percy was laughing so hard that he slammed in to the railing of a stair case.

"Hahahahahahahahah" laughed Percy. Ron was crying. Suddenly, a horde of second years can running forward. Slamming into Percy.  
"Wowowowow-ahh" Percy fell over the staircase railing (7th floor) and went tumbling on a moving staircase, and tossed over to landing with no staircase to get off of.

"Help! Help" screamed Percy. Hermione looked at Ron.

"Ron. We helped him last time. I don't want to _again._ We-"

"No," said Ron. "We are _not_ going to help him. Hermione smiled. Harry checked his _My little Pony watch. _

"_OMG" _shouted Harry. "We are going to be late for Potions! We better hurry!" The three friends rushed down the hall, but not before they ran into Fred and George. The noticed Ron's eye patch instantly. The both looked at each other and grinned.

"Oie Ron," said George. "Did Hermione buy you that eye patch?" Ron (still whimpering) nodded yes. Fred laughed.

"It turns you on, doesn't it Hermione?" Hermione blushed.

"I-I- just wanted to boost his self confid-"

"Yeah Yeah," said Fred.

"In case you make any other 'trips' to 'the room' here are some boxes of 'protection'". The twins laughed. Ron and Hermione were both stuttering explanations

"Modeling! P-poles" said Hermione

"F-rench-m-maid outfits!" stuttered Ron. The twins walked away laughing.

"Explanation please?" said Harry as they were running down the Hall.

"Later," said Hermione. "Were are going to be-"

"Late" said Professors Snape. "Detentions for all of you. Take your seats." Snape closed the door. "Open your books to page 567578999098532456."

"Yes," whispered Hermione. "This is my _favorite_ chapter." Snape turned around and glared at Harry. Harry eyed Ron. Snape smiled.

"I _almost _forgot." said Snape. Take your potions out. I need to grade them." Ron looked at Harry.

"You're in for it. Brace your self!" Harry quickly put on his athletic cup. Ron gave him the thumbs up. Snape was heading over to Harry's table.

"I think I'll check Mr. Potter's first," said Snape. "After all, he is the boy with the famous scar." Ron got up and did a quick loopy dance.

"Well," said Snape. "Where is your Ronque potion? I assigned it weeks ago." Harry looked down.

"I'm sorry Professor. It's just with Quidditch, and defeating Voldemort, and my personal life, it is hard to find time and-"

"Stop. You will have detention for two weeks-"

"BUT SIR!" shouted Harry, jumping on his desk in a squatting position "I can't! There is-"

"LEARN YOR PLACE POTTER!" yelled Snape. Harry got down off the desk. Snape continued checking potions. Harry was watching Snape. Ron was blabbing to Harry but he was not listening. Ron was laughing.

"And then Bob said Holy crap Bob! Come on Bob! I mean really Bob! Bob! Bob! Bob!" Harry blocked him out. Harry noticed that Snape dropped his quill. When he bent down to pick it up, Harry noticed a bit of red and black lace!

"Holy-"Harry fell backwards and hit the ground.

"Harry!" said Hermione "Are you all right."

"Bloody Hell mate! Get up!" said Ron. Snape quickly tuned around a felt his backside. He glared at Harry. Harry was in shock.

"Potter" Snape spat. "Get up. Why are you-"Snape noticed Harry looking at his backside. "You falling is punishment enough. You're second detention is canceled." Snape said quickly. Ron and Hermione looked at Harry in shock.

"But for being late, all three of you still have a detention."

"Lolly Pop." said Ron. The teacher and friends just stared.

The dormitories

The three friends walked into the common room after saying the password ("fidly duckys") and quickly sat on the comfy chairs. Ron's had gum on his, but he did not know it.

"Harry, what's wrong. I know Snape is foul, but this is weird." said Hermione Harry stared at Hermione.

"Can you handle the truth?" Hermione and Ron nodded like two nodding things on a walk in the zoo nodding past the zebras. Harry took a deep breath.

"Snapewearsathong!"

"What?" said Ron. Harry took another deep breath.

"Snape wears a thong." Hermione gasped. Ron fell of his chair.

"Can it be?" said Hermione quickly. Ron shook his head.

"No. NO." shuddered Ron. Harry nodded his head.

"Yes. It's true. I saw it when he bent over to pick up his quill."

"I've always wondered why he has no panty line." said Ron.

"Maybe he is a woman!" said Hermione. Harry shook his head.

"Don't you two idiots get it? We finally have something against Snape. We can get ride of our detentions and never have to do homework again!"

"I don't know Harry," said Hermione. "He's a teacher and-"Ron stuffed a wad of tooth picks in her mouth.

"Good idea Harry! Let's go now! I saw Snape leave the castle!" Hermione took the tooth picks out. She sighed.

"Well, this will lighten my work load."

"Sweet." said Harry. They were just about to leave when Ron stopped.

"MY EYEPATCH!" screamed Ron (much like a girl). Harry looked at Hermione.

"Thanks a bundle. He even sleeps with it on you know!" Ron came running back.

"Okay, I am ready." Ron ran towards the door. Unfortunately, because of the eye patch, Ron did not see Neville just coming in from the hospital wing. Neville was again, knocked out.

"Leave him there" said Hermione. And they did

The Thong Search 

"This way" said Harry. The three friends were on there way to Snape's room. "Careful of teachers. We are not supposed to be in this hallway." Ron took out a record player and played James Bond 007 music. Harry and Hermione looked at him.

"For dramatic effect." he said. They finally arrived in front of a cylinder block.

"We need a password," said Hermione. "But what is it."

"Move aside, said Ron 'Aloha Mora!" Ron waved his wand. "Nothing."

"I know the password," said Harry. "I hate Potter" Harry said. The door opened.

"Wow," said Hermione. "Snape really hates you." Ron nodded. Harry shrugged his shoulders.

"Let's go in." said Harry. Harry, Ron, and Hermione entered the room with great caution. Ron knocked over a book shelve.

"Over there," said Hermione. "There are drawers!" They rushed over.

"Panties are _always_ in the top shelf." And sure enough, they were. There were thongs of all colors. Blue, pink, red black, green, and even metallic colors like gold and silver. Ron picked up a pair.

"French maid?" said Ron. Hermione picked up a pair that said 'Red Hot'.

"This is _way way _weird," said Harry. "I might throw up." Ron and Hermione nodded in agreement. They heard Snape's voice down the hall.

"Get out," said Harry "Quick!"

They all ran out of the room. But not before Ron grabbed the French maid thong.

The dormitories

Harry, Ron and Hermione sat down on Harry and Ron's bed, talking about there adventure. The friends decided to _not_ use the information they had against Snape in less it was an emergency.

"Did you see the thong that said '_Red Hot Chili Pepper_?" said Ron.

"Oh," said Hermione "and what about the one that said 'My number is _555 Get in here_!" They started to laugh. Harry was crying with laughter.

"Or. Or what about '_Hot Mama on Wheels_'. Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Ron went an answered it.

"Hello," said the man "I am Bobbie Cahill Jack Spruce Killbob Killcat McGriddle. You can call me Phil. Pleasure to meet ya'll." Ron nodded his head to the side and let a bit of drool drip out. Harry hoped off the bed. So did Hermione. "Yeah, I got a report of a broken…four poster bed." Harry shook his head.

"No beds are broken. They are all fine."

"Well," said Phil "It says on this here clipboard that there is a broken 4 poster bed that needs fixen."

"No," said Harry "There is no broken-"Ron held up a hand.

"Harry. He has a clipboard. Clipboards don't lie." Hermione nodded her head.

"Okay," said Harry. "Come in." Phil walked in and started going through Harry's trunk. "Hey!" shouted Harry. "That is my trunk!" Phil sighed

"The problem with four poster beds always starts in the trunk."

"Ohh," said Harry "I see." Phil started taking Harry's things.

"HEY!" shouted Hermione. "You aren't a repair man!' Phil looked up. He quickly ran out the door.

"That was weird." said Ron. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Hermione answered it.

"Hey. I'm the health inspector. I am here to inspect" Harry frowned.

"We are healthy and well inspected. Very, very well inspected. We don't need-"

"But it says on the clipboard that this room needs to be inspected." Harry sighed.

"In case you haven't noticed pal, this is a magical place, it is easy to-"Ron put his hand up.

"Harry. He _has_ a clipboard. Clipboards don't lie." Hermione nodded.

"Fine." grumbled Harry. The health inspector went into Harry's trunk and started going through it.

"YO!" said Harry. "Why do you need to go through my trunk?"  
"Most problems start in the trunks." The health inspector started taking things.

"Hermione," said Harry "He is taking my things.

"Now see here," said Hermione to the health inspector. "What are you doing?" Ron looked at his clipboard.

"Hey! There is nothing on this clipboard!" The health inspector looked around at the children's faces. He got up, a sprinted out of the room.

"No I'll be darned." said Ron. Suddenly there was _another _knock at the door. This time, Harry answered. It was a man. In a tie. Harry was calm.

"Hello. Is Ronald Weasley here?" Ron did a cartwheel over to the door.

"I'm Ronald Weasley."

"Well," said the man. "It says here on this clipboard that you have to turn in your eye patch." Ron looked horrified.

"But-But-, "stuttered Ron. " I-I don't want to-It it-make me look-"

"It says on the clipboard son." Ron started to whimper. Harry took off Ron's eye patch and handed t to the man.

"Ron," said Harry. "Clipboards never lie."

"True dat" said Hermione. "True dat."


End file.
